My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
