Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
