you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
