you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
