I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
