Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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