Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you had me at cake vodka
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
