i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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