After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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