So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
i think my cat just said my name.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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