remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my sisters under your porch take her home
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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