It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
