I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
