I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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