Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
