did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
