just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
In America we eat man semen.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
