i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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