I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
