he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
