I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
