You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize