3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Houston, we have a squirter
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
