I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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