On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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