i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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