I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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