Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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