Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
