So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
