if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
