omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
