Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
