you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
