he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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