I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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