It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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