I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
