the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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