he puts the penis in happiness.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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