you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
