seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
