My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
