i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
