i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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