There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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