Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
