the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
