I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
