if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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