I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
