my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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