i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
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