i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
