Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
