I'm sorry my penis didn't work
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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