I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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