Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
